The point of this blog is to create an online diary of my life as an AML consultant, specialist, practitioner and enthusiast.  It's intended as a light-hearted alternative to the other more serious pages of this website, with observations, comments, hints, links and thoughts - I hope you enjoy it.  And if you have any comments, please do email me - I'd love to hear from readers.

And if you're into historical research, you can find my previous blogs on the Blog 2006 page, the Blog 2007 page and the Blog 2008 page.

Wednesday 10 March
I'm working in Guernsey this week, and the airline managed to lose my suitcase on the way out - yes, between Stansted and Guernsey.  It turned up a day later, but in the meantime people were so kind: a complete stranger in the hotel bar lent me his laptop power supply, and the hotel receptionist found me a warm jacket in the lost property box.  What I missed most was the special box of chocs that I always take with me to cushion the effect of being away from home for a week - rose and violent creams, as my German friend once called them.  Thankfully, chocs and I are now reunited.

Thursday 4 March
People often ask how I can stay interested in one subject for years (I think they mean money laundering rather than chocolate, although I have stayed loyal to both).  The truth is that I have been incredibly lucky in stumbling (and I have to admit to that - pure luck) on a topic that is so varied and so fat-moving.  This week alone we have had new guidance in the Isle of Man and the promise of updated legislation in Guernsey, as well as an imminent report on the effectiveness of the AML regime in the UK.  Even with just six main jurisdictions to track, it keeps me more on my toes than Margot Fonteyn in her heyday.

Tuesday 2 March
It's obviously only a trick of my mind, but it seems that when I am really busy and cannot stop for anything, the emails come whizzing in at the speed of light - every time I do a send and receive to send something, another ten come in.  But when I am actually waiting to hear from someone, it seems that the whole system has slowed to a crawl, and I begin to check my computer's connections to the network, my networks connections to the outside world, and how long it is until elevenses.

Friday 26 February
It's an illness, I tell you.  I'm talking about my inability to resist buying any book or film or magazine with the slightest connection to money laundering.  At the moment I am reading am autobiography called "Do Time, Get Time", about the misadventures of a crooked Russian banker.  I thought it would tell me all about his laundering methods, but in fact it starts on the day of his arrest, and concentrates entirely on his prison experiences.  I'm hoping he will eventually have a trial and all will be revealed, but apparently even getting a trial in Russia is an uphill struggle - mostly they toss you into jail with all sorts of nasty people who do unspeakable things to each other while calling each other "Comrade".  Barbara Cartland, it ain't.

Tuesday 23 February
I am going demented.  As a one-person business, I am very proud to be able to do almost everything associated with running a business: the actual work, the stocking of the stationery cupboard, the office cleaning.  I even do my own bookkeeping, which I find oddly therapeutic.  But not today.  My books don't balance, by some piddling yet infuriating amount.  I've gone round and round, but can't find the problem.  It doesn't affect much at all, but I'm not going to let silly numbers beat me - I will find the error!  Perhaps a few Jaffa Cakes would help the little grey cells.  Worth a try.

Friday 19 February
Those of you who have ever tried to reach me by mobile phone will know what a frustrating experience it is.  I very rarely switch it on, and when I do, I tend to leave it in a coat pocket or my other handbag (the choice is wide).  I did consider getting a Blackberry (mainly because I like the dinky little leather cases you can get for them), but I fear the story would be the same.  After all, I grew up in an era when - if you wanted to get in touch with a friend at university - you didn't Tweet them or text them or email them or put something on their Facebook wall: you wrote a note on the wipe-clean kitchen notice-board stuck to their room door.  Try leaving that in your other handbag.

Wednesday 17 February
I "attended" a "webinar" yesterday.  (I'm not at all sure about the word "webinar": is the stress on the first syllable, or does it rhyme with Ribena?)  As a face-to-face trainer, I am naturally sceptical about any other sort of training, but I can see that this solution is a useful one: I sat at my desk, while the speakers were in, well, I don't know where they were, and they spoke and showed their slides and I listened.  At first I wondered whether they could hear me so I kept very quiet, but of course they couldn't.  And then I picked up a book that was lying on my desk (about a big cash robbery) and flicked through it, and before I knew it, I'd read two chapters and missed half a webinar.  Ah, that's the problem - no actual human engagement.

Wednesday 10 February
I know it's a cliché for women to worry about what to wear, but today I do have a dilemma.  I'm off to London in a little while, and I'm visiting a potential new client, so I need to look professional.  But to get to London, I have to cycle to the station, and it's snowing and perishing here today.  So I need to find an outfit that is smart, warm, waterproof and cycle-friendly (i.e. with a wide skirt) - and on top of it I have to put my day-glo waistcoat to make sure that no driver claims not to have seen me when I ride home in the dark.  Gentlemen, you have it easy.

Monday 8 February
I went to Paris at the weekend (caught the tail-end of the sales - bad news for the old credit card) and coincidentally walked past many of the grand addresses and premises that are familiar through the work of Global Witness.  This is a fab organisation that investigates and publicises instances of high-level corruption, and many of these naughty people spend their stolen money on living the high life in Paris (who wouldn't)?  So I walked along the road where Denis Christel Sassou-Nguesso and his mum had their lavish apartments (funded by Congolese oil money) and past the expensive men's outfitters that he used.  I saw the bank (which shall remain nameless) that to this day holds accounts for Omar Bongo of Gabon - even though Tracfin wants them closed.  And I spent a happy half-hour in the best chocolate shop in the world.  Oh, that's nothing to do with corruption: that's for me.

Tuesday 2 February
I cleaned my office the other day - as a one-person business, I have all the jobs, including office cleaner - and went through my desktop set of drawers that serve as my in-tray, out-tray and pending.  And in the pending drawer, I found a bag of Maltesers.  I can't remember putting them there, which makes their discovery even more pleasurable, but if I did: what was I thinking?  Pending what?  Ah yes, pending my cleaning the office and deserving a treat.  I knew there was some justification.

Friday 29 January
I'm devising a new "revision game" for my training - these are the little quizzes I run at the end of training to revise the material we have covered - and so have spent a lot of time on websites designed for primary school teachers.  I've had to dismiss some of the suggestions as just too juvenile, but you'd be surprised how many of the principles of teaching apply right across the board, from tiddlers learning to count to staff in the regulated sector learning to recognise suspicion.  Here's hoping I don't need to instigate a naughty step.

Wednesday 27 January
Do you ever feel that your life is passing too quickly?  Today a client asked about my availability in autumn 2011 - yes, that's 2011!  They've already booked for November 2010, and want to be able to demonstrate annual updates.  One of the best things about working with compliance people is that they are great at planning and detail, and one of the worst things about working with compliance people is that they are great at planning and detail.  Heavens, I'm a forward-planner, but even Filofax won't start selling its 2011 diaries until March this year.  It's a bit sad that I know that...

Monday 25 January
Sorry for the silence: I was away in Guernsey last week, and I'm never comfortable about updating my website files via a public wifi network - someone might hack in and say all sorts of nasty things on my website.  (It's happened before...)  It was interesting to see Guernsey in a state of high alert pending their AML/CFT evaluation visit from the IMF in March and May.  The regulator is issuing handfuls of "Instructions" with very tight deadlines, regulated firms are being visited and given only minutes to respond to recommendations - it's a frenzy of activity.  I expect every Guernsey MLRO to take a well-deserved holiday in June.

Wednesday 13 January
I'm hoping to run a workshop for MLROs in Jersey in May, but - thanks, I think, to stiff local competition - it has been remarkably hard to get people to sign up.  I was on the verge of cancelling but decided to make one last plea to just about everyone I know in Jersey, and they ahve come up trumps for me.  I can't tell you what a relief it is when people actually want to come to a workshop that I am offering - I live in dread of finding that people have lost interest in the whole thing.  (Not me, of course: I'm as obsessed as ever.)

Monday 11 January
I must find a way to switch off more effectively.  The first hour of every Monday is spent gathering up the work-related notes I have made over the weekend and left dotted around the house - wedged into my handbag, stuck on the fridge with the Paddington magnet, tucked into my Filofax - and then taking them into the office to decipher.  What do you make of one that says "Call M re October"?  It made sense at the time.  I suspect my husband - who is a great advocate of the "leave work at work" mantra - is leaving me dummy notes just to watch me squirm.

Wednesday 6 January
I am exhausted.  Yesterday I just couldn't get started with an article I had to write, so I decided to do my archiving instead.  This is nothing exciting, such as one might do at the British Museum, but simply clearing out my old paper files.  (I still have plenty of these, despite all those techies promising us "the paperless office".)  Although it was therapeutic to throw away lots of old documents (I particularly enjoyed shredding all reminders of a very awkward ex-customer), I've now ended up with dozens of piles of paper on the floor, looking for an archive cupboard.  The cat is doing her best to rearrange them for me.  And I have an uneasy sneaking suspicion that the local paper bank has just swallowed something that I haven't looked at for years but will need with great urgency tomorrow...

Monday 4 January 2010
So here we are, back at work after the loooooong festive break.  I'm amazed by how empty my email inbox is: it seems that even spammers have family to visit at this time of year.  That said, we are always warned that Christmas is a bumper time for money launderers, who hope that the financial sector will be less vigilant than usual, so let's hope that none of "my" MLROs comes back to a nasty surprise today.

Thursday 31 December
The question I have been asked most often in recent days by the 5,000 relatives whom I see only at Christmas has been, "What are you up to these days?  Still the money laundering?"  I've given up saying "ANTI-money laundering", but it does give me pause for thought: is it STILL the money laundering?  I've been doing this for about thirteen years now - some employed, some self-employed, some as a one-person company, but always just me and just money laundering.  Maybe I should do something different... But where could I find another subject that is so fascinating, so ever-changing, so important, such fun to teach?  So here's to a happy and healthy 2010 for us all, STILL money laundering!

Wednesday 23 December
Is it just me, or does the Christmas slow-down seem to be starting earlier and lasting longer this year?  I'm still working (it's a great time of year to do all that reading and filing) but most of the people I try to contact seem to have switched off last Friday.  And before you blame the weather, remember that most of my clients and contacts are in warm and sunny climes such as the Channel Islands (I've seen you on the weather forecast - 6 degrees above zero, so positively tropical!).  I'll let the Isle of Man off the hook - I'm guessing you're a bit parky as well.

Monday 21 December
Something odd is going on here: it seems that I can have access to only one business service at a time.  On Friday I had no broadband - or even narrowband, or indeed band of any description.  My bandwidth is now restored, but since Thursday we have had no postal deliveries.  I full expect to find tomorrow that I have both Internet and post, but no phone.  It's like one of those school debates: which of the three main services would you least like to lose?  Personally, as long as I have a good supply of chocolate biccies, I find I can weather most technological storms.

Friday 18 December
What an unexpected treat.  We had lots of snow overnight here in Cambridge, so it was a winter wonderland this morning - up to the cat's armpits in our garden.  But the real bonus was that the snowfall had knocked out our broadband service - and just the broadband.  Not the phone, not the telly - but just t'Interweb.  So I've had a lovely quiet day.  I also enjoyed the absurdity of calling the Virgin broadband fault report line, and being told by a recorded message that "The quickest way to report a broadband fault is on our website, www etc.".  Oh I did laugh.

Wednesday 16 December
I'm delighted to see that many firms are sending e-cards this year - better for the environment, and they mostly promise to make a charitable donation with the money they have saved on cards and postage.  I do the same, and support a local charity (Camfed) that provides money for the education of girls in Africa - tip-top idea.  But I do miss the nice array of quality cards on my desk: it's mainly through the kind wishes of clients over the years that I have learnt what London looked like in Victorian times! 

Monday 14 December
This is a funny old time of year for work, isn't it?  On the one hand, everyone wants to clear their desk of old lingering issues, so that they can start the new year with a figurative and literal clean slate.  And on the other hand, no-one's really in the mood for work, and the tinsel dangling from the ceiling and the constant round of mince pies and Quality Street makes you sluggish after the initial sugar high.  Personally, I'm looking forward to my company Christmas lunch next week: I take myself and a good book to a nice restaurant and order anything on the menu that is not turkey.

Tuesday 8 December
I met someone at a training event the other day and he asked for my card.  "I'll have a look at your website," he said.  "Yes, do," I replied, " but I haven't updated it for a couple of days because I've been away for work."  "A couple of days!" he exclaimed.  "We only update ours once a year!"  So am I obsessive, wanting to check and update this website every day?  It's my first job every morning: read the Google alerts, check my news feeds, and update the website.  Indeed, one of our neighbours does her admin (checking bank statements, etc.) only once a year - one loooooong day in December.  Can't see it working for me.

Friday 4 December
Well, Christmas has come early for me - thirteen years for Curtis Warren.  Apparently he spent much of the sentencing hearing reading a book, so I hope it's a good long one to last him until 2020 (I'm guessing the thirteen years will include the two he has spent on remand in Jersey, but I may be wrong).  I'd recommend Proust, or perhaps "The Forsyte Saga" - both weighty and multi-volume.

Wednesday 2 December
Are you as excited as I am about Curtis Warren's sentencing?  OK, probably not.  Short recap: nasty high-level drug dealer, caught in Jersey, found guilty there a few weeks ago (go Jersey!), due to be sentenced tomorrow.  He is currently residing at Her Majesty's pleasure in high security Belmarsh Prison in London, and is refusing to go back to Jersey for sentencing - now, I know Aurigny is a bit shaky at times (bring back the little cheesy crackers, I say), but surely not that bad.  Anyway, we have the technology, and Mr Warren will instead be sentenced via video link.  The Jersey authorities must be breathing a sigh of relief: it costs a fortune to have someone like Warren on the island, what with all the policing and security escorts, oh, and the crime.  Fingers crossed for harsh sentences for Warren and his gang.

Tuesday 1 December
I know you think I'm incredibly lazy but honest, I have been working.  I've had five days in the Cayman Islands (very welcome warmth at this time of year) and a day in Durham (rather less warm).  The sad truth is that recently there have not been many money laundering news stories to put on my Stop Press page.  I learnt early on not to report on an arrest or a charge but to wait for a conviction, and legislators always go a bit quiet in the run-up to Christmas, so not much change there.  Now, if only someone could convict a legislator for money laundering...

Thursday 19 November
You will be relieved to know that it was not fatal - just uncomfortable and very, very boring.  My husband took Tamiflu and I didn't (put off by the possible side effect of "violent vomiting"...) and we were ill for about the same length of time.  Although, to be fair, he was more stoical about it.  For the first time ever, I had to cancel some training: every time I took a deep breath I collapsed into a coughing fit, so it would have taken forever to explain the new Bribery Bill.

Thursday 12 November
I'm not looking for sympathy here (oh, go on then - perhaps I am) but it's on days like today that I wish I worked for someone else.  I am filled with flu - shivers, fever, aches, self-pity - and just cannot take the day off.  I have training in the diary, and training I shall deliver.  I have taken so many cold relief tablets that I am rattling and - this will tell you how serious it is - I have gone off chocolate.  It's probably fatal.

Tuesday 10 November
Today I had lunch in Guernsey with the man who was my very first client.  He had seen me working with someone else, and said that if I ever went out on my own, I could contact him - so I did.  How brave of him to trust me with that first booking - and I have been grateful ever since, not least because his generous recommendation brought me much more Guernsey business.  I am sorry to see him go and the Guernsey compliance community will be the poorer without him, but I know that he has earned every moment of his retirement.

Monday 9 November
I could start to take this personally.  I worked up a really good case study on Arnoldo Aleman of Nicaragua - sent down for corruption and money laundering - and then he is freed on (what looks like a rigged) appeal.  Then I start telling people about Peter Michel of Jersey - sent down for money laundering - and now his conviction has been quashed.  I've read the appeal, and it seems that the original judge prejudiced the situation by doing lots of eye-rolling in court and making it clear that he didn't believe a word the defendant said.  I'm no lawyer, so where does this leave Michel's son, who has been charged with obstructing justice in the original trial?  And where's the blasted money?  Harrumph.

Thursday 5 November
I never really intended to have a website (or a blog).  Having spent years writing about software, I vowed that once I had my own business I would steer clear of anything technical.  But all professional businesses must have a website - and so my first task every day is to update it.  It's much less of a chore than I imagined, but it does feed my quest for perfection: I can't update it only once a week, which might be more efficient, as an out-of-date website is pointless.  But apparently people stop visiting your website if it doesn't change dramatically - i.e. a total change of appearance - every couple of years.  I don't think I have the strength - and I'm inordinately fond of the blue dots.  Will it suffice for me to PhotoShop that picture up there and give myself blonde hair?

Monday 2 November
Well, I obviously needed that offline break.  When I edited my website this morning, I realised that I had warned you all that I would be away until 2 November 2010.  So I managed to lose a whole year.  (I probably put it somewhere safe, like the Christmas presents I bought last year and then found in June.)  Anyway, it was a good week - and clever of me (unknowingly) to organise it for half-term, when so many of you were away as well.  Although I don't have children, I generally find that following the rhythm of the school year is wise as it means that I don't schedule visits for when lots of staff are off.  Now all I need to do is factor in a sports day and prize-giving.  Best attendance record, anyone? 

Friday 23 October
One of the joys and curses of running my own business is that I am solely responsible for my own diary.  (I made a typo there: I initially said I was responsible for my own dairy, which would be altogether more challenging.)  Anyway, I have decided to have a research week next week, so will be going offline.  Sadly my technical skills do not extend to being able to set up an out-of-office message, so here's hoping that everyone sees the website notices.  I do envy you all your technical departments - as you know, I've propped up my monitor on a kitchen chopping board, so there's really no hope for me.  I'll see you on Monday 2 November.

Tuesday 20 October
I am not a natural traveller, but I usually cope reasonably well with the vicissitudes of airports, railway stations, etc.  Yesterday, however, I was nearly undone by Richard Branson.  Not in a personal sense, you understand.  No, I went on one of his Pendolino trains to Liverpool - and the blasted thing went so fast and swung around so alarmingly that it is all I could do to hold onto my lunch (already eaten).  If I tell you that I couldn't manage my emergency Twix, you'll know how extreme it was.  No more Pendoleaning for me.

Saturday 17 October
Life sometimes hands us little unexpected treats.  I was in Guernsey this past week, and met a friend for lunch.  The sun was out, so we sat by the harbour, in the sunshine, eating delicious food and laughing.  It felt like a summer's day by the seaside, not a lunch in the middle of an October working week.  The memory will keep me warm through the winter.

Monday 12 October
It's a great thing, lateral thinking.  I've just bought myself a big new computer monitor - mainly because I'm getting a bit rickety and found myself peering at the old screen in a most unattractive way.  I needed to raise the new monitor slightly, and trawled around all the computer shops on Saturday looking for something suitable - there's a dispiriting experience, if you need one.  And I've ended up with a round chopping board from the kitchen department at John Lewis.  The right shape, the right height, sturdy, neat lines - and a darn sight cheaper than all the "ergonomic monitor elevation devices" I saw.

Thursday 8 October
Some days are just good days.  I beamed throughout the news last night, as they told us all about the guilty verdict for Curtis Warren in Jersey, and the fact that slimy Silvio Berlusconi in Italy is no longer immune from prosecution.  It's not often that you hear (as in the Warren case) that "police were one step ahead of him all the way" - well done, Jersey.  My only question is: do you really want him in La Moye for years and years?  I vote for extradition to Full Sutton or Durham in England.

Wednesday 7 October
A kind reader alerted me today to the important, nay, crucial news that next week is Chocolate Week 2009.  According to the website, it will be "a time of pure indulgence".  I should cocoa (if you'll permit the terrible pun).  I shall be in Guernsey for most of it, so I expect to see my clients commemorating the event (Chocolate Week, not my visit) by providing high-end, luxury choccie biccies and perhaps even hot drinking chocolate.  I shall certainly put selfish concerns to one side and make sure that my diet is at least 50% chocolate, to support our vital confectionary industry.  What a trouper I am.

Tuesday 6 October
How do government departments survive?  I'm trying to track down a piddling 75 quid incentive payment (for paying my PAYE online).  I've spoken to almost everyone in HMRC, barring Mr Timms himself, and it turns out that the problem may be that the office that "handles" me is dealing today with the letters and emails that came into them on 18 August.  18 August!!  How would your business fare if it took you seven weeks to respond to post and emails?  Very relaxing, I am sure - I get twitchy if I've kept someone waiting more than half a day for a response.

Friday 2 October
It's my corporate sixth birthday today - I might just have an extra Jaffa Cake or two to celebrate.  It's been a great six years.  If I had the time again, of course I would do a few things differently, but on the whole, I would choose the same business and - crucially - the same clients.  I have been so lucky: in all the years I have been doing this work (and I was self-employed for many years before incorporating) I have had only one dreadful client, and (this is astonishing) only three late payments of invoices.  I'm a lucky girl indeed.  Here's to the next half-dozen years.

Thursday 1 October
It's a hard old life: I've just had three days in Gibraltar and - although the work is work wherever you do it - it's quite nice to sit at the end of the day, basking in the evening sunshine and listening to gentle waves lapping around the stonking great yachts in the marina.  But it was back to reality with a thud when I landed at Luton Airport (eeek!) after a crowded flight with about a hundred children (double eeek!) to find that my taxi driver had been taken ill and left me to my own devices (triple eeek!).  Still, I enjoyed the four hours of sleep I eventually had last night.

Friday 25 September
I've met him!  The man whose job causes a longer and more profound conversational silence than my own!  Today I went to a tour of our university library with other alumni, and chatted to a chap standing near me.  He asked what I do, and I told him, which pretty much halted things.  But I rallied, and asked what he does, and he's doing research into fertiliser.  Which really did halt it.  So whenever I am being blamed for the shortcomings of the financial system, I can always comfort myself with the knowledge that at least I am not a fertiliser researcher.

Wednesday 23 September
If you asked my friends (and perhaps even my enemies) for one word to describe me, I think they would pick "organised".  And when I was nine, I started a pretend bank with my friends (absolutely true: it was called the Inter-Planetary Bank, and its logo was an eye, a pea and a bee - get it?).  So it's perhaps no surprise to anyone that when they ask me what I am doing today, the inevitable answer is "preparation".  I feel like I have spent the last few weeks doing nothing but preparation, and frankly, I'm ready to get going with some actual training.  So roll on Tuesday and Gibraltar - I'm finally ready!

Monday 21 September
Back to reality: I've just had a long weekend in London with a very dear friend (we've known each other since we were eleven, so there's always lots of squealing and "do you remember when...") and as part of it we watched the final stage of the Tour of Britain.  I'm quite keen on the old cycling, you know - and it was such a spectacle.  Recently the FATF put out a report on money laundering through the football sector, so perhaps I should contact them and volunteer to research whether there is a similar problem in the cycling sector.  Of course, laundering is a secretive thing, so I'd have to follow the cyclists closely, perhaps even during post-race showers and so on.  It's a dirty job, etc.

Thursday 17 September
I've been doing some reading about the dangers of social networking sites (e.g. your staff giving away personal details that can be mined and used to compromise them) and several security experts warn of the similar dangers of blogging.  Oo-er!  I wonder if I've given away enough info over the months to enable someone to impersonate me?  Mind you, I'd recommend choosing someone with a more common surname - you try spelling mine every day for four decades and see how you feel then.  I've been Glossy, Grassy, Grocery, even Grottumby (don't ask) - if I was going to impersonate anyone, it would be a lovely plain Jane Smith.

Tuesday 15 September
Obsession is a sad thing.  I came out to the office (above my garage, so I'm still in my jammies) this morning to check emails, and when I went back in for breakfast, my husband asked why I looked so cheerful.  "The IMF has published the Jersey and Isle of Man reports - can't wait to see what they think!" I replied.  He looked at me over his tea, and slowly shook his head.  He's right, of course: it's a terrible, terrible illness.  But the fact remains that I am excited about it, so it's just as well that I found myself in this line of work, isn't it?  I doubt the IMF gets that reaction from many people.

Monday 14 September
You're not going to believe this, but there are those among your number who do not quite believe that I was invited to a posh frocks and tiaras do last week.  So I've had to procure photographic evidence - and here it is.  Things to note: big smile (I've just found out that there's a crab starter - one of my favourites, hence the frequent visits to Guernsey); posh frock (vintage); pearls (vintage); neat hair (I think this is the bit you've found hard to accept).  You may be comforted to know that today I am back to my usual Worzel Gummidge-like self.  And in case you're concerned, apparently the missing duck turned up under the table, rather than in another guest's pocket or handbag, which is a great relief.

Thursday 10 September
Well, Cinderella is back from the ball - and I had a great time.  My client did not win their category, but getting into the last three is a great achievement anyway - and we all cheered very loudly.  It's fun to get all gussied up (as Anne of Green Gables would say) once in a while, and also a great treat for me to meet some new people.  You'll not be surprised to hear that I showed myself up: we had duck breast for dinner, and as I was cutting mine, quite a large piece shot off the plate.  We looked high and low for it without success - so some poor chap is going to find it in his DJ pocket this morning.  You can't take me anywhere.

Wednesday 9 September
No doubt you've heard today's headlines about the Mercury music awards.  Well, they're nothing compared with the Charity Times Awards, being held in central London tonight and to which I have been invited.  One of my clients has been nominated for an award, and I am delighted to go and wave the flag for them.  It's not often I get out on the town like this, and those of you who are familiar with my "friendly spaniel" appearance will be astonished to hear that I am actually going to the hairdresser this afternoon.  I've got the vintage dress, vintage shoes (a bit small, but hey, what's pain when compared with vintage glamour) and vintage bag, so I'm all set.  I'll tell you all about it tomorrow - unless I'm still partying away.

Monday 7 September
Can you smell those newly-sharpened pencils and fresh exercise books?  Yes, it's the start of the new school year, and the beginning of my busiest quarter.  There is a definite link between the two: I think that the years of starting afresh in September stay with us for the rest of our working lives, and I've even had clients ask for training "in the autumn term".

Monday 31 August
Oh, the frustration!  I was in London on Saturday, cycling near King's Cross (on my pink folding bike, no less) and I passed a bus-stop.  It had one of those scrolling ads, and as I whizzed by and it scrolled up, I caught the tail-end of an ad for a new book.  The tagline: "He stole millions from the cartel and now he's on the run!".  My money laundering antennae twitched (sounds to me like an accountant or banker gone bad and then double-bad), but I missed the title and the author.  The cover seemed to feature a blurry man running - although the blurriness might have come from my own great speed.  I've searched Amazon and anywhere else I can think of, but no luck.  Has anyone else seen this ad or read the book?  I'm guessing it's a recent publication - is it full of lovely laundering?

Saturday 29 August
I've just been listening to Mary Beard on the radio.  She's a classics don here in Cambridge, and great fun - and apparently she writes a blog called "A Don's Life", for Times Online.  I've just had a look, and, well, it's the blog of my dreams.  It's witty, erudite, colourful, varied and instructive.  Does this mean that I have finally grown up: I no longer worship a Mormon popster dressed in purple (Donny Osmond, in case you're baffled) but instead am going all swoony over a Cambridge academic with a wicked sense of humour.  Perhaps this blog needs a bit more about the emperor Vespasian and his chums.

Wednesday 26 August
Goodness, where did that week go?  I've been here all the time, beavering away on various projects - not least, trying to clear the mountain (electronic and paper) of reports, surveys, research papers and articles that I collect to "read later".  Well, "later" has finally arrived, and there's no escape.  Mind you, I have to say that I am disappointed with the latest output from SOCA - a very bland document from a money laundering perspective, although quite meaty on gun crime.  At least we're coming to the end of the silly season for the press: perhaps now we can forget about hermaphroditic sprinters and start thinking again about real issues.  Harrumph!

Wednesday 19 August
Have the world gone mad?  Or have I only partly woken up, and fallen into an off-kilter parallel universe?  First I hear on the news that, thanks to a nationwide shortage of applicants, police forces are lowering the "pass" rate for those who wish to become detectives from 80% to only 48.6%.  So you don't even need to be right half the time!  And now I read that Tom DeLay, the American politician accused of misappropriating campaign funds and then laundering them, is to appear on their version of "Strictly Come Dancing".  Please, please, please don't let Jeffrey Archer hear about it.

Tuesday 18 August
This seems like a very long summer to me - perhaps because I had my own holiday early on - and now it seems that every email I send bounces back with a message along these lines: "I am away on holiday, sunning myself and reading trashy novels while snacking on local delicacies, from now until the end of 2012.  My emails are not being monitored and, frankly, I couldn't give a monkey's.  If you need urgent assistance, please do contact my colleague, although chances are she too will be sunning herself, etc.."  Not that I'm envious, as I sit here, single-handedly battling money laundering and other assorted forces of evil.  Harrumph.

Wednesday 12 August
Isn't it funny how everything has fashions?  When I first started out in the AML field (just before the most recent Ice Age), everyone was very excited about the Forty Recs.  Since then, we've gone through the NCCT list and its ramifications, the saga of automated transaction monitoring, the whole PEP crisis, and now we're talking breathlessly about corruption.  It's good for me, as it gives me something new to highlight in refresher training, but it's interesting to see that even the most serious subject has its fads.  Will proliferation financing be the new corruption in S/S10?  (That's spring/summer 2010 in fashion parlance - apparently.)

Monday 10 August
I watched a recording last night of a BBC drama called "Freefall" - did you see it?  It was about the impact of the sub-prime crisis on three men: a city type selling the junk to the markets, a wide-boy mortgage broker selling the junk to the public, and a hard-working bozo buying the junk.  The city type spent a good deal of his time evading "the boys from risk" and their pesky questions about legality and ethics, and I cheered rather too loudly when he threw himself off a bridge in the city after it had all gone horribly wrong.  I may be somewhat partisan here.  (The bozo's home was repossessed, and the wide-boy went on to sell solar panels and treat his girlfriend badly - boo hiss!)

Wednesday 5 August
Well, I've survived the filming session.  No make-up artist, no chair with my name on the back of it, no pots of white lilies or macrobiotic salads - not very Hollywood at all, really.  The chap behind the camera went very pink when he had to explain that, as I was not wearing a jacket, I would have to feed the microphone cable up through my dress - but after four terms in a girls' boarding school at a formative age, it takes more than that to faze me.  I think I did OK, although I'll have to wait a couple of months to see the finished product.  I am painfully aware, however that when faced with recording equipment I start to sound more and more like Joyce Grenfell.  George, don't do that.

Monday 3 August
As many of you know, I am very keen on using any method I can to pique interest in money laundering (and therefore prevention of) during staff training, and I do like to use media clips for colour and humour.  I've been watching a DVD box set of "The Sopranos" over recent weeks, pen at the ready to note any mentions or demos of laundering, but every time they get the readies out, they swear over them.  I know that life as a New Jersey mobster is probably stressful, what with all the deception, mistrust and murder, but surely Tony could broaden his vocabulary a little?  I wouldn't even mind if he did it in Italian, but it's Anglo-Saxon all the way for the Bada Bing boys.

Thursday 30 July
I'm a bit nervous.  As a favour to a work friend, I have agreed to be video-ed next week, doing one of those "talking heads" interviews.  The topic is (of course) AML-related, but it's the video part I'm uneasy about.  I've been video-ed before, during training sessions, so that overseas offices can enjoy my words of wisdom, but that's easier to ignore in the excitement of the training session.  This time, I suspect, the camera will be much more in evidence.  I haven't worn make-up since my wedding day in 1992, my hair looks like, well, those of you with curly hair will know the problem, and there seem to be a lot of articles these days about Botox...  To be honest, in the time available, the best I can manage is to check that I don't have spinach in my teeth.  Or - more likely - half a Malteser.

Tuesday 28 July
Just a quick note to let my loyal readers (both of you) know that I am back.  What a holiday!  You know that I'm a bit keen on professional cycling....  Well, the Tour de France went right through the town where I was staying, and my husband and I managed to cycle alongside it on our tandem - him pedalling furiously to keep up the scorching pace, and me sitting on the back, waving madly and screaming "Allez, allez, allez!" like a Banshee.  Not at all embarrassing and unprofessional.  Quite frightening for some of the younger riders, I should think, to be pursued so avidly by a tandem stoker twice their age.

Tuesday 14 July
Well, it's the day before my holiday, and I think my to do list may be nearly as long as Bernie Madoff's rap sheet.  In particular, I've been trying to plan ahead for my autumn work, so that I can go away with a clear conscience, knowing that I've done all the advance preparation I can.  That said, I find that I never really stop thinking about, well, crime!  Although I can turn off my work thoughts, I always have my radar out for money laundering news and stories, so I guess that means I've chosen the right line of work: if I enjoy learning and thinking about it even when I don't have to, it must be the right choice.  And as I am holidaying in Switzerland, well, there just may be a money laundering story or two to keep me on my toes.  I'll see you at the end of July.

Thursday 9 July
I was looking through my files today and came across some old printouts on the FATF.  They're from a dot matrix printer, complete with the holes down the side, and I remember that I did them when I was first interested in money laundering.  I sneaked into my husband's office (he had a printer and I didn't) and was absorbed for hours, reading about this amazing topic and discovering for the first time things like the Forty Recs and the JMLSG.  It's like having children (so I am told): you can't imagine what life was like without them.  Was there really a time when I didn't know about money laundering?  Bit philosophical for a Thursday...

Monday 6 July
I gave a little impromptu AML masterclass on Saturday.  I had to take my car to a garage in Wanstead (specialist panel-beating after a coach behind me decided not to stop when I did).  The mechanic asked what I did for a living, and I told him.  "So," he said, "what's money laundering?" and when I started to explain, he called over his colleague who was panel-beating in the background, and the two of them and their large white dog listened carefully, asked lots of questions (not the dog), mentioned the recent football/laundering headlines (not the dog), and generally gave every impression of being fascinated.  I think we in the financial sector sometimes forget what AML is all for: when I finally managed to give the mechanic the car keys and make good my escape, he said, "So, if the crims can launder their money, they get to keep it.  That's just not right, is it?  What naughty men they are."  I may have paraphrased his final comment for public consumption.

Wednesday 1 July
It's not every day you wake up to hear them discussing money laundering on the "Today" programme.  The FATF rarely gets a mention on the national news, but something about their latest report - "Money Laundering through the Football Sector" - has caught the public imagination.  Apparently naughty criminals are buying up football clubs and players as a way to process what the media insist on called their "ill-gotten gains", and some pesky footballers are even omitting to report their giant sign-on fees and other perks to the tax authorities.  Shocking.  Next you'll be telling me that those lovely tic-tac men at race-courses don't do due diligence on their punters.

Tuesday 30 June
It's true: I'm obsessed.  My poor husband staggered home yesterday after a sweltering day in London, thoughtfully asked "How's your day been?", and received the answer "150 years!  And fifty of those for laundering!  And we're having spaghetti."  I watched the BBC News website like a hawk from 2pm onwards, like a modern-day Madame Defarge.  I read about Bernie's entrance into court, his apologies, his "legacy of shame".  And now I shall wait to read about the laundering: just what did he do with £40 billion?  That's a hell of a lot of Jimmy Choos for Ruth - about a hundred million pairs, I reckon, although I do get confused with all the noughts.

Friday 26 June
It's funny how things can go quiet from time to time.  Ordinarily, I send out about twenty emails a day (I mean proper ones - let's exclude the subscriptions to updates on Daniel Auteuil, my membership of the Jaffaholics club and other character weaknesses) and receive about the same number (again, let's exclude the offers to give her a night to remember or to hand over all my money to a Nigerian lawyer).  But for the past week, there's been tumbleweed blowing through my inbox.  I don't think it's school hols yet, but perhaps everyone is feeling mellow thanks to the balmy evenings, and all thoughts of money laundering have been banished by the sunshine.  In which case, I'll see you all in the autumn.

Tuesday 23 June
What a drama: the cat comes in at 4am, mewing piteously, bleeding from one ear and limping dramatically.  I fret until 8.30, when the vet opens his surgery to find a madwoman on his doorstep, clutching a cat basket and making plans for a funeral to rival that of Famous Fred.  (If you don't know the story of Fred, the cat with a secret life as an Elvis impersonator, well, frankly, you haven't lived.)  Far from being at death's door, the cat shoots out of her basket, brushes flirtatiously against the vet, and then jumps nimbly onto his table, no trace of a limp.  She is given an antibiotic jab, and I am given a little lecture on over-reaction.  She is now sunning herself in the garden, while I count the cost - to my dignity, my sleep and my cheque book.  She can sing for that leftover cream I was going to give her when I thought the leg was coming off.

Thursday 18 June
Phew!  Here I am, recovering after a "How to be an MLRO" workshop in Guernsey.  I've realised that every time I run a workshop I try to cram in even more information, so today I ended up talking for about six hours - poor delegates!  I just can't bear the thought of knowing something that might help an MLRO with their work and not telling them.  And, as always, the MLROs asked questions I had not heard before, so I learn from them - and that's even more information I can cram in next time...

Tuesday 16 June
I have a reputation in my family for having the most byzantine file structure, both on my hard drive and in my office filing cabinets.  Folder within folder within folder, so that almost every document has its own dedicated home.  But how I wish I could do the same with my brain!  I'm in the process of planning new training and workshops for the autumn, and I keep thinking, "Now, what was that useful idea I had about a money laundering auction game?" or "Didn't someone suggest a good new jurisdiction for me?"  But it seems that my mind has more in common with a kaleidoscope than a filing cabinet: every time I move, things falls into different patterns and I can never get the same one back again.

Friday 12 June
I had a shocking day yesterday: rear-ended in my car by a coach (ironically, driving home from the garage after a successful MOT); insulted in an email by someone who should know better; discovered that my iPod has broken (perhaps it is on strike in protest at the overload of Neil Diamond and Glen Campbell); and lost a long-running battle over local street-lighting (don't go there).  So today I am hoping for a cracker of a day to make up for it - I might even buy a lottery ticket.  And if you are planning to have a go at me for anything at all, please leave it until Monday.

Wednesday 10 June
I had a super-efficient day yesterday, blitzing through my to do list like a demon.  I assembled the folders for my workshop in Guernsey next week, packed them into a box, used a mile of packing tape for security, dropped the box off at the post office - and then realised that I cannot find my cheque book.  Which was sitting on my desk near the folders.  Just before I packed them into the box, mile of packing tape, etc.  Ah well - I daresay we shall be reunited in St Peter Port.  That'll teach me to sing along to the radio while I pack - doing all the harmonies for "Nights on Broadway" is obviously just too distracting.

Thursday 4 June
I'm not a big fan of email round robin stories, but this one made me laugh out loud (which is a problem, as I am on a train at the moment): Barbara Walters, an American TV journalist, did a story on gender roles in Afghanistan several years before the current Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.  She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands: despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.  Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”  The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eye and without hesitation said, “Land mines”.

Wednesday 3 June
Workshop enrolments are a mystery to me.  When I ran my "How to be an MLRO" workshop in Guernsey in February, I was almost mown down in the rush for people to enrol.  Marvellous, I thought: I'll run it again in June, and the same thing will happen.  Oh no - but why not?  Are people keener on learning in the winter than the summer?  Does the regulator seem more friendly in shirt-sleeves than an overcoat? Not that a small workshop is any worse (in some ways, it's better), but I'm just curious about the ebb and flow of enrolment.  Any ideas?

Sunday 31 May
I know it's Sunday, but as I'm sitting in court on Tuesday, I thought I should put some time in the bank, as it were.  That's one of the benefits of being self-employed - but also one of the curses.  It's a rare day when I don't "just nip out to the office and check the email" - it's like the Sirens, drooping over Mediterranean rocks and luring sailors with their songs (and rather immodest state of undress, I daresay - when a chap's been rowing his trireme for months, surrounded only by other sweaty chaps, he's quite keen on a bit of female nudity).  Where was I?  Ah yes, back to work.

Wednesday 27 May
It's funny how things turn out.  When I first started this business, I thought I would be nipping down to London several times a week, working with institutions in the City and Canary Wharf (I'm a big fan of the DLR).  But I have very few UK clients, and even fewer London ones, and so a Day Out in the Capital (like today) is a rare thing.  I've written my agenda for the day, so I know who I'm meeting, where and when.  I've dog-eared the relevant pages in my trust "A-Z", and I've equipped myself with umbrella, spare tights, emergency Twix (you know how hard it is to find a shop in London) and aspirin (the tube always gives me a headache).  And you thought Ran Fiennes made a big fuss about his expeditions.

Friday 22 May
One of the small disadvantages of being a one-person business is that I am my own technical support department - which is, frankly, a contradiction in terms.  When my email goes bananas, or I find myself featuring on spam blacklists, it's down to me to sort it out.  The worst part is communication with techie people, who ask incomprehensible questions like, "Do you use an open-access ISP provider, or is your SMTP-server password-enabled?"  Like I'm going to know.  I find that sobbing piteously over the keyboard, shutting the whole system down and hiding in Waterstone's for the afternoon generally does the trick.

Wednesday 20 May
Ever on the lookout for training materials, last night I watched "Tears, Lies and Videotape".  This programme looked at videos of (among others) Karen Matthews making impassioned pleas on telly for information about her missing daughter Shannon, and examined whether we could have guessed that she was lying from her "non-verbal communication".  (You see the link: can we tell when our customers are telling us the truth?)  Fascinating in parts, but the real lesson seems to be that if someone meets an untimely and particularly unpleasant end, it's usually the sobbing spouse what done it (especially if said spouse uses the phrase "s/he was the light of my life and I just want him/her back").  I am therefore making a rather tasty curry tonight to keep mine sweet.

Tuesday 19 May
When medical historians look back at our times and speculate on the most common causes of insanity and death, I trust they will put email in the number one spot.  Either it threatens to overwhelm us (in the time it takes to answer one email, four more come in) or it tests our patience to the limit by not working for one of a myriad of reasons (something about an SMTP error - your guess is as good as mine).  I try to convince myself that scenario number two should be seen as a blessed release from scenario number one, but I fear that I am missing important requests for help.  Any one of a number of MPs might be trying to get in touch, for instance.

Friday 15 May
As some readers will know, I am a magistrate (I'm only a "baby mag" and therefore sit as a "winger" in court, which means that I am not allowed to speak - a particular trial for me, if you'll pardon the pun).  A couple of days ago, I sat on a fraud trial.  How exciting, I thought: at last, my professional experience will be of use.  But it involved two chaps who had allegedly claimed to be qualified plumbers when they were not: fraud by misrepresentation.  No dodgy financial deals, no money laundering, not even a sniff of a Madoff.  Never mind: my day will come, and then they're going daaaaaan (although not for one moment would I pre-judge a filthy money launderer).

Wednesday 13 May
The great office clear-out continues.  Yesterday I was going through a very old file (I'd actually been using it as a foot-rest, without realising it was a file) and found some documents I'd downloaded from the Internet in 1997, when my husband was doing an MBA and his business school had access to this new technology.  They're all to do with money laundering, and in the margin of one, I've written "I love this subject!".  (No heart above the i, no Donny Osmond sticker, but the word love is underlined twice.)  It's not quite the Dead Sea Scrolls, but it's gratifying to see that I chose the right line of work all those years ago.

Friday 8 May
Yesterday evening I went to a training session for MLROs being offered by the eastern region of the Law Society.  No, I did not go in dark glasses and a wig (which would have blown off anyway - that was one windy bike ride): I declared my non-lawyer status on enrolment and was still allowed to attend.  And it was so interesting (a) to attend as a delegate rather than a speaker (although at times I was itching to jump up and help clarify a point - how vain am I?), and (b) to hear about the subject from a specifically legal perspective.  It seems that the legal sector is a foreign country: they do things differently there.  And I was mightily relieved to see that the Law Society trainer skated over the topic of constructive trusteeship with as much alacrity as I do myself.

Wednesday 6 May
My husband has started working from home occasionally, and has asked for a shelf in the office for his books.  I know - a whole shelf!  So I am trying to reduce my AML and training library from ten shelves to nine, and it is proving remarkably difficult.  I've read most of them, I know, but I might want to refer to them again.  And they have lovely quotations indicated with sticky flaps.  And it makes me feel that I am really doing this job, when I glance across and see all the crime titles.  But I have just spotted that one shelf has quite a few books from when my husband did his MBA, so perhaps I will start the purge there...

Friday 1 May
I am on such a high today.  No, I haven't overdosed on Jaffa Cakes.  But my new MLRO workshop yesterday went so well - the best ever, I think.  It was great to see so many old friends, and we had such good discussions - challenging, far-reaching and instructional - as well as plenty of laughs.  And the food...plentiful and delicious.  I could do it every day, if it didn't take so much preparation.  And I slept for nine hours last night.

Thursday 30 April
I'm just getting ready for my new MLRO workshop - very excited!  But yesterday I had lunch with a friend who is looking for a career change and asked me whether I would recommend the sort of work I do (both the self-employed element, and the actual work) and I realised that I am extremely happy with my working life.  I rhapsodised about the joys of being your own boss, organising your own time, choosing who to work with, talking for hours about a fascinating and important subject - and gradually persuading all clients to provide choccie biccies.  It made me realise how lucky I am.  About the biccies, I mean.

Tuesday 28 April
I prefer things to be predictable, as it makes planning so much easier.  So for years I have been travelling to Guernsey on a Monday afternoon, working Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning, and then flying home.  But the airline has changed its timetable, and now I will be arriving later on Monday and leaving earlier on Friday - too early to do a morning's work beforehand, which alters the logistics and costings for each trip.  I am rather unreasonably annoyed about this - partly because it means that I won't get my Friday lunch at Guernsey airport (the best chilli con carne I have ever tasted).  As I said, not good at change!

Friday 24 April
Today I made a fantastic discovery.  On the side of my box of Jaffa Cakes is this statement: "Each Jaffa Cake contains lots of energy and only 1g of fat per cake.  That is why they are recommended by sports nutritionists."  So I am delighted to find that I am not inhaling chocolate: I am in fact following the diet of an athlete.  It's all in the perception.  So pass those nuggets of sports nutrition and let's get really healthy.

Wednesday 22 April
In the marvellous "A Streetcar named Desire", Vivien Leigh breathes "Ah have always depended on the kindness of strangers".  Like Vivien (if slightly less elegantly), I too rely on the kindness of others (but friends rather than strangers) to maintain this website.  Today, for instance, an MLRO in Guernsey emailed to alert me to the story (now featured on the Stop press page) about the Guernsey nurse sent to prison for trying to convert millions through a local bureau de change for Nigerian fraudsters.  I can't read everything (much as I would like to), and contributions from friends, clients and other readers are so very welcome.  Thank you all.

Monday 20 April
Well, have you missed me?  Two weeks in Sicily have gone in a flash, and I have returned with a larger waistline (who knew they had dark chocolate ice-cream in Italy?) and a greater respect for English drivers (having seen the Sicilian ones in action, one even parking on the steps - the steps! - of his local church).  The only work-related problem I have come back to is that, for some reason, several of my clients' email systems now regard me as spam - me, spam!  But I simply shrug in a Sicilian fashion and layer more mozzarella on the pizza.  So now it's the home straight towards my new workshop for world-weary MLROs, premiering in Guernsey next week - I'm always a bit nervous, but in a good way, before a brand-new workshop.

Friday 3 April
Holidays are marvellous things, but getting ready for a holiday is less marvellous.  I have scraps of paper everywhere, saying cryptic things like "EHIC???" and "red cardi - not blue".  On the positive side, I have just delivered my slides for my new MLRO IV workshop to the print shop for duplication, so that's one ENORMOUS task crossed off the to do list.  In the end I had to draw a line under it, as there was so much material I wanted to include that my poor MLROs would have had to stay overnight at the venue and perhaps even follow me home to get the whole workshop.  So now I have two weeks away from work, although between you and me (don't tell my husband) I found that there is a Mafia museum not a million miles from where we're going in Sicily, and I might be able to get lost in that vicinity...

Wednesday 1 April
What a luxury: yesterday I spent the whole day at an AML conference and did not have to sing for my supper.  I actually paid my own money and attended as a delegate, to see what it's like on the other side of the podium.  It was a very enjoyable day: I caught up with some old friends and made some new ones, and learnt a lot from updates by HMT, SOCA, JMLSG and several other acronymic agencies.  By the way, don't forget to look at the Stop Press page today...!

Friday 27 March
The airline that delayed me on Monday made up for it yesterday by flying from Jersey to London in under 40 minutes - must be a record.  We were chased by a hurricane, I think - it was certainly fairly bumpy on take-off and landing.  To my great sadness, my faithful bright yellow suitcase has now made its last journey with me: both locks gave up the ghost yesterday, but thoughtfully waited until I opened them at home rather than bursting spectacularly on the carousel at the airport to reveal my UV light, money-themed bingo prizes, and teddy bear.

Wednesday 25 March
Well, things did get better.  I'm sitting in my Jersey hotel room, pleasantly exhausted after a successful MLRO workshop, a "Dallas" DVD poised to play, and a generous bar of Lindt chocolate by my side.  I would write more, but Bobby and Pam are about to reconcile, while JR slithers about the place like a lizard, so I'm rather distracted.

Monday 23 March
Some days should really be duvet days.  It's only 0840, and already I've laddered three pairs of tights, arrived at London City Airport to find that my flight to Jersey is delayed by three hours because they're looking for a pilot (you'd think their recruitment procedure would be a bit less last-minute than this), and (when I went to rearrange my day) discovered that I've left my phone at home, charging on the desk.  So I've done all I can in the circumstances: buy a large pain au chocolat and go with the flow.  Let's hope Howard Jones was right about things getting better.

Friday 20 March
Much as I love delivering workshops, when I am embroiled in their preparation (as I am now), my life takes on much of the quality of "Groundhog Day" - albeit without the cuddly rodent.  I get up, empty the dishwasher, get dressed, work on workshop, eat lunch, work on workshop, go to post office, work on workshop, stop for a Coke break (see photo above), work on workshop, etc.  I'm desperate to get to Jersey on Monday and actually speak to real people - I'll be a country bumpkin come to town, overwhelmed by crowds and traffic, saying hello to strangers, who'll back away from me.  Can't wait!

Wednesday 18 March
I know that regular readers will have been on tenterhooks, and I can report that my box of folders has arrived safe and sound in Jersey.  You know, I'm wondering, with speedy service like that, whether it wouldn't be more efficient to send myself the same way.  It would save a long drive to London City Airport, and I could have a nice sleep on the journey.

Monday 16 March
Hurrah - I've just parcelled up my delegate folders for the Jersey workshop next week and delivered them to the post office.  I can cross about a thousand tasks off my to do list now.  I was surprised to find that the cheapest way to send my heavy box (11kg - I like to give out lots of knowledge at these workshops) was via the normal first class post.  I usually use ParcelForce, which costs about GBP 40, but normal post was half the price.  Of course, it may never arrive...

Friday 13 March
Thank goodness the GMC voted down that tax on chocolate proposal - I was already looking into homes near the Nestlé and Lindt factories in Switzerland.  And I don't know about you, but I'm already sick of taking apparently full personal blame for Bernie Madoff.  Whenever anyone hears about my line of work, they say, well, if you were doing your job properly, we wouldn't have people like Madoff, would we?  I think primary blame must lie with Mr and Mrs Madoff, his parents.

Thursday 12 March
I'm still in shock.  Is there no end to the financial misery?  A doctor in Scotland has today proposed (I can hardly say it) a tax on chocolate.  He claims that some people eat their entire daily calorie requirement in the form of chocolate - but I fail to see the problem myself.  From his photo he looks skinny, wrinkly and mean: the man needs a few chunky Aeros to make him smile.  If it comes in, I'll just have to move to Switzerland - I can't see the Swiss putting a tax on chocolate (for oh so many reasons).

Tuesday 10 March
I'm a tidy person - some (e.g. husband) would say obsessively so.  But with three workshops under preparation, my office looks like a paper warehouse - stacks of folders here, enrolment forms there, lists of things to do all over the place.  It's interesting to experience the different approaches of the venues I am using: for one, nothing is too much trouble, while for the other, even small requests are refused on the grounds that "it interferes with our costings".  (No, I'm not sure what it means either, but heaven forbid I should interfere with anyone's anything, let alone their costings.)

Friday 6 March
As a one-person business, I am responsible for everything: doing the work, keeping the accounts, cleaning the office - and stocking the stationery cupboard.  Yesterday I noticed that we needed some more bubble-wrap, so I ordered some from a website.  Unfortunately, it's hard to get the scale from a website picture, so today a truck has delivered a roll of bubble wrap that is slightly larger than your average futon.  And at least three times as large as my stationery cupboard.  I could go mad and jump around on it all day, popping bubbles to my heart's content.  Actually, that's very tempting - must dash.

Thursday 5 March
Yesterday I attended some training as a delegate, which is always a treat - and very instructive.  Of course I am trying to update my own knowledge, but I also like to see how other people deliver training.  We had four speakers: two were excellent, and two were very poor.  I'm always surprised when I hear poor speakers, as I imagine that we have all been to enough lectures, training, presentations, etc. to know what to avoid doing.  The information they had was fine, but the delivery was dire.  (No shame in that per se, of course - but if you don't enjoy public speaking and aren't very good at it, don't volunteer to speak at a conference!)  Excellent chocolate biscuits, though.

Tuesday 3 March
The things I do for you lot...  Today I was trying to find a more recent photo of Lucy Edwards and Peter Berlin, the couple who laundered huge amounts through the Bank of New York.  So there I was, Googling away, and it turns out that there is another Peter Berlin.  And this one - how can I put this delicately? - takes off his clothes for the entertainment of other gentlemen.  Yes, quite an eye-opener - and perhaps rather more enhanced due diligence than any of us needs.

Monday 2 March
I thought this might amuse.  I am getting a little nervous about having all of my company money in one account, so I'm looking around for another business account to open.  Someone recommended a little local building society, and I've asked for their application form.  And can you believe it, they want certified copies of my identification documents!  The cheek!  And apparently I can't self-certify, which is tricky for a one-person business.  I ask you, do they really think that I am a criminal, all I'm trying to do is open an account, etc.  Oh, well, maybe the business name worries them.  Hoist by my own petard, I think we can call this.

Thursday 26 February
I am on a complete high.  Today I delivered one of my workshops for MLROs, and this is one of my favourite ways to spend a day.  I just love enthusing MLROs about their work, trying to help them cope with the multiple demands of their role - and, of course, getting to know more MLROs (who are my favourite people).  It is jolly hard work (in the preparation phase, I have lists of lists of things to do) but such fun - I'd do one a week if the demand was there.  But for now, I'm off for a long bath.

Monday 23 February
This is probably my longest-every blog entry, but I’m still laughing and thought you might like it too, on this overcast Monday morning.  A 98-year old lady wrote this letter to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times: 

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the  call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.  While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Thursday 19 February
One of my enjoyable little tasks every morning is updating this website, and in particular the Stop Press page.  I can usually find something that interests me (and, as a one-person business, that's the only standard I need to apply - thus spake the only child).  But when a massive story breaks, such as Sandford, I tend to take the decision not to mention it at all.  That's because it is covered in such enormous detail everywhere else, and following the story in order to get the developments right would take all my time.  When he's caught and clapped in irons, I will of course mention that with some glee.

Tuesday 17 February
I've had a couple of days out of the office, and today is my birthday, so I'm feeling a bit festive.  A "friend" sent me this picture to wish me a happy birthday - it's like looking in a mirror!

Wednesday 11 February
After Monday's postal tantrum, I now have an embarrassment of riches.  I've just opened the door to my THIRD delivery of the day - and it's only 11.30am.  Be careful what you wish for...

Monday 9 February
You know that feeling of powerlessness that drives you mad?  I'm trying to find out whether my local postmen are ever going to visit my home again - I haven't seen them since Tuesday last week, as I think they believe that snow is a caustic substance that will dissolve delivery employees.  My local delivery office is not answering the phone, and nor is the central Royal Mail customer service line.  I imagine them all sitting there, fingers jammed in ears, chanting "We can't hear you".  So I've emailed, and received an automated response saying they will do their very best to get a proper reply to me within five working days.  How long would my business last if I said the same to my clients?  I'm now stamping my little trotters in frustration - time for chocolate!

Friday 6 February
Whoops - where did that week go?  Yesterday I learnt first-hand the truth of what all the "how to run a successful business" books tell you: always try to over-deliver, and at all costs, avoid disappointment.  I ordered what looked like a lovely dress from an online shop - the photos were gorgeous, the description was glowing.  When the dress arrived, it was stuffed into a tatty plastic bag, creased beyond recognition, and of rather poor quality, with pulled threads and a loose button.  Much better to under-promise and over-deliver than the other way round - I was SO disappointed and will not be ordering from them again.

Monday 2 February
One of the downsides of working at the bottom of your garden (as I do, in common with Wombles and Hobbits) is that you can't use the snow as an excuse not to get to work.  Mind you, the office cat is none too pleased: the snow comes up to her armpits, after all, and she's insisting on being carried between house and office.  I'd insist myself, if there was anyone to carry me.  Keep warm, all of you who do have to venture out.

Friday 30 January
I'm reading another of those books on how to make your training more lively (how well the police remember my garden-sized snakes and ladders...) and I can't imagine the sorts of training that some people do.  Agreed, the book is American, so perhaps they're less inhibited over there, but I can't really see my MLROs agreeing to get into groups based on the colour of their undies or their favourite Desperate Housewife.

Wednesday 28 January
Over the Christmas break, as well as eating my body weight in After Eights, I did some deep thinking about my working life.  In particular, I made two lists: what I enjoy about my work, and what I dislike about my work.  High on the former list was running workshops, and it's almost as though visualising them has made them happen - it's just what all the goal-setting gurus tell you (which I generally choose to ignore, along with the message that "Poldark" is not real history - pah!).  Since realising how much I enjoy running workshops, I have scheduled four of them between now and the summer - so I suppose I'd better do some work.

Monday 26 January
What a great week I had last week - 3½ days of training in Guernsey, working for some long-standing clients and meeting lots of interested and interesting people.  When I am battling with the less thrilling parts of my work (like today: it's all bookkeeping and filing), I sometimes forget what a fantastic job I have, but weeks like last week are a perfect reminder.  I was so inspired that I've decided to add another Guernsey week to my travel plans this year, so that's Guernsey in February, April, June, October (for Tennerfest, of course) and November.  As someone commented on Friday, you know you're a regular when the Aurigny gate staff greet you by name before looking at your passport.

Wednesday 21 January
Did you see "Too Posh to Pay" on the telly last night?  It was about "middle class white collar criminals", and of course focused on a few high-profile cases (the middle-aged female cat burglar, the public school girl on the run with her drug-dealer boyfriend, the gentleman art forger).  But the bits that fascinated me were the statistics flashed up on the screen: huge numbers of middle class people (now Britain's "most crooked social group") are willing to steal from their employers, cheat the taxman, inflate insurance claims and ignore parking fines.  And with middle class people being the main users of financial services, I assume the majority of their money is laundered through these (apart from the chap who spent GBP 200,000 on a naked cleaner - don't ask).

Friday 16 January
EVERYONE I meet these days asks me the same question: "How will the recession affect your business?"  Being an optimist, I tend to say that recent events have made people recognise the value of risk management and compliance, and so every dog (for dog, read MLRO) has his day.  It's one of those self-fulfilling prophecies: I wasn't worried at all until the hundredth person asked me if I was worried!  But the law is the law, and regulated firms must have an AML regime, and as long as I can provide the best service at the right price, I'll be happy - and hopefully so will my lovely clients. 

Wednesday 14 January
I have today risen from my sick-bed to deliver my first training session of 2009.  It's always a bit scary after a break - what if I've forgotten it all?  What if I can't remember when PoCA was brought in, or who professional privilege applies to, or which bridge Roberto Calvi was found under?  But it's all still in there, and it was great to get back to work.  But when I was asked (not for the first time, as you can imagine) why there are not more (any?) financial professionals in prison in the UK for money laundering, I started to get a bit angry about this.  It's all very well sending the "criminals" to prison - the ones who commit the crimes that generate the money - but we also need to focus on those who knowingly allow their skills and institutions to be used for laundering.

Wednesday 7 January
Last night I watched the last of six programmes I had recorded in the series "The Ascent of Money".  The series covered, according to the blurb, the development of money from wampum to the hedge fund.  (To save you looking it up, wampum is a string of shells used as currency.)  And not once - NOT ONCE - did Harvard professor Niall Ferguson mention money laundering.  At one point he cruised the Florida everglades and filmed some crocs, which seemed an ideal setting for a quick discussion of financial skulduggery, but no.  I know I'm obsessed, but if Patrick Swayze can tackle the subject in "Ghost" (it's not all naked pottery, you know), then a six-hour series on money should at least mention it.  Harrumph.

Monday 5 January
It has been a long Christmas break, and after the usual family disagreements and over-indulgence, I am happy to get back to the world of financial crime.  My brother-in-law, who is a lawyer, said that his firm is finding their AML checks much simpler now: any client who has any money left at all is immediately high-risk.  That said, all the predictions I have been reading from criminologists, police and regulators suggest that financial crime is the first area to increase in times of recession, so we all need to be extra-vigilant.

Friday 2 January 2008
My first work task of the new year is to file away my old blog on another page, and create a new blog.  As this involves technical know-how and patience, it is not talking to my strengths, and so I now need a lie-down and a fistful of chocolate biscuits to recover my equilibrium.  I have also recycled my 2008 wall calendar, rolled up and stored my 2008 Sasco year planner, and done my last VAT return for 2008, so I am ready to face the new year.  After those choccie biccies, of course.